Posts Tagged ‘Grief’


10:25 P.M. November 17th, Not so cold tonight, yet I shall probably be cold and cannot sleep before morning. Oh, well, I have slept colder, or at least had to try to sleep under much worse conditions. I am getting older, and should not complain but it is only my part of life. And so civilization is only a sort of veneer. I guess that is about true. We often hear of the cultural veneer of some of our prominent social leaders. They act or live only as the custom demands. It is not natural, so all our civilization is the same thing in a lesser degree. Any and all of us revert back to the true stage of human instinct with which we are endowed under certain conditions. Restraint or an affected personality, each destroy our real beauty. “Ilya toyed skuisya.” 10:35 P.M.”

(Sally here: Goodness, there is so much here it’s making my head spin. John is so right and even tho this diary was written 91 years ago it is so relevant to today. If we could only see the true hearts of people; but then again it just might be too much for us to handle; I’m not sure. Still pondering…..)


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11:00 P.M. November 9th, 1927.

Only another day gone by, much as the one before. I am tired but my head does not seem to bother so much tonight, or at least I have not noticed it because I have been busy. Nothing in life leaves as deep an impression on our interpretation of living as our own experiences. If we were only willing to heed the lessons learned by others we might avoid some of our mistakes but we seldom realized their full meaning until our own efforts, or actions, prove their correctness. Then it is often too late and we are left to our own bitterness. A friend and his wife have separated, a four year old daughter now faces life without the full parental love which is her due. What would I not give for the privilege to enjoy the blessings which they might make for themselves? Life is very odd. “Ilya toyed skuisya.” 11:20 P.M.”

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I’ve never read the book “War and Peace” by Tolstoy but did just finish the new mini series adapted from the novel and loved it. At the end of the book (and the show) Pierre, the main character, who had been through some incredible trials (to say the least), says this…..


“They say sufferings are misfortunes, but if I was asked, would I stay as I was before I was taken prisoner?, or go thru it all again, I would say for God’s sake let me be a prisoner again. When our lives are knocked off course, we imagine everything in them as lost. But it is only the start of something new and good. As long as there is life, there is happiness; there’s a great deal, a great deal still to come.”


I’ve pondered and pondered that saying, not only with John in mind but with my own sufferings from the loss of my dear husband. Not sure yet how I feel about it all but I love the way it was written and after watching the show, it meant a great deal.

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“10:15 P.M. October 29th,

Another week gone by, another Sat. night is here. I do not seem so very tired tonight but I am restless, nervous. There seems to be something hovering near that I cannot understand. I cannot solve the mysterious whispering of the wind; it haunts me. There is no one now to relieve any mental strain when life seems difficult to understand; and so I can only carry on until my body refuses, no longer to function. What a pity it cannot rust like iron. To one who is superstitious, my thoughts tonight would be termed a premonition. To me it means nothing; man has no forewarning; no second chance. Life must be lived as it is given unto us. When we pass on we do not return. At least I can go to Greenwood tomorrow; no one can deny me that. “Ilya toyed skuisya.” 10:30 P.M.”


(Sally here: John’s line, “There seems to be something hovering near that I cannot understand. I cannot solve the mysterious whispering of the wind; it haunts me” is incredible.)

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My Protector


“11:10 P.M. October 28th, 1927

I should be in bed, but I do not like to go. Since I am getting sleepy and can no longer keep my eyes open to read even, there is nothing else to do. Once I was anxious to lay down beside her and felt glad to be her protector, yet how miserably I failed. Now I have no sense of protection to anyone and I want only to sleep a long, long time. How many years ago Epictetus wrote his moral discourses. I do not know; they are mostly philosophic chatter, some good and some hard to understand and occasionally I find something that impresses me greatly. He mentions the inconsistencies of good and evil. Seldom do we admit our evils; we like to feel above sinning. As I’ve written before, sin is only how we interpret it. All eyes do not see alike. And so we have no absolute religion. It is above us. “Ilya toyed skuisya” 11:30 P.M.”




(Sally here: I know I have God but I most surely miss my protector, my husband.)

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Slumber Land

“10:15 P.M. October 21st,
This has been a busy day; and I am thankful for it. Soon I shall be asleep, the hours of rest when we are not conscious of what takes place around us, only the waking moments are ours to govern. If the day has brought that which brings content to our souls we rest more easily and more peacefully; if it has been lived as our conscious directs we are troubled not whether tomorrows sun will be ours to enjoy. For we have done our best and man can do no more. It seems incredible to me that man can do harm to others in all his actions of the day and then pass on to slumber land with no feeling of remorse or doubt in his heart. It seems many do. Life is our own to live and cannot be changed in a day. “Ilya toyed skuisya” 10:30 P.M.”

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“10:45 P.M. September 25th,
Sunday will soon be gone. Glad to have Pat and Ray and Rayanna with us today. I am somewhat tired. My head does not feel as it should, just taking a cold I guess. So soon now I cannot water her little roses; it was not intended for them to grow thru the winter, and so they will lie dormant waiting for the warmth of spring to bring them into life again. Such lowly and unworthy beings as we of the human race! We always cling to our own convictions that is all we can do. Yet we seem to pity the folly of those not in accord with our beliefs. Others to us show evil deeds or actions but to themselves it is not wrong. Sin is only what to ones own view seems to be sinful. We do not follow Christ’s teaching. “Ilya toyed skuisya.” 11:05 P.M.”

“11:10 P.M. September 26th,
The wind has changed to the north and it is getting much cooler. How mournful the wind sounds. I do not like to hear it; it seems only to add to the cry within my soul. And so again I come to another failure of life, but it adds not to my weary heart, it has all that can be piled upon it now. I can only try some other plan when the first fails and still keep busy. Man seldom builds a thing of perfection without some model or experience to go by. We can only live and learn. When we have found the correct solution we seem proud of our success. The greatest good to humanity would be the overcoming of the greatest failures, our own as well as to help others. I am tried. My head still feels odd. “Ilya toyed skuisya.” 11:25 P.M.”

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