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John’s Birthday

11:15 P.M. November 10th, Today is my birthday. Perhaps I shall never see another. It seems impossible for me to live on and on; life is so empty. I can only try to keep it busy. Cora and Bethine try to do so much for me. I am grateful to them but I do not in the least express my devotion to them. I do not want to be loved any more; I guess I am not worth it. Dittos were over for dinner and the evening. It is a wonder any one would come to see me. I am so cold and mean. But I want to be alone; that is all I ask. Memory has not failed me yet; the past holds more than the future promises. I have her picture by me now; it is never far away. I don’t see why she can’t be with me tonight. Oh! God, I am so useless. “Ilya toyed skuisya.” 11:30 P.M.”

(Sally here: John seems a bit more depressed (if that can even be the case) than usual. The poor poor man. It will get better John, I promise. Coming out of my own darkness from losing my husband (nearly 8 years ago now) I know that life does get better. I just recently moved to a completely different state. Moved out of my house that I lived in for 23 years. The house my husband spent his last days in. And I must say that this move did so much for me; more than I could even express here. It was like coming out of the darkness and into the light, even tho that may sound a bit cliche. I could have made this move a lot sooner but it wasn’t time yet. This timing was perfect and I am happy. And because I have two later diaries of John’s, I know how things turn out for him and I hope to share those also.)

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Separation

11:00 P.M. November 9th, 1927.

Only another day gone by, much as the one before. I am tired but my head does not seem to bother so much tonight, or at least I have not noticed it because I have been busy. Nothing in life leaves as deep an impression on our interpretation of living as our own experiences. If we were only willing to heed the lessons learned by others we might avoid some of our mistakes but we seldom realized their full meaning until our own efforts, or actions, prove their correctness. Then it is often too late and we are left to our own bitterness. A friend and his wife have separated, a four year old daughter now faces life without the full parental love which is her due. What would I not give for the privilege to enjoy the blessings which they might make for themselves? Life is very odd. “Ilya toyed skuisya.” 11:20 P.M.”

Face Death Bravely

10:40 P.M. November 8th, I should be in bed. I do not feel good, my head aches and is bothering me again tonight and yet why should I be so careful and concerned about my health? Have I not asked many times for death? I am not greatly concerned about my health. I am only anxious to rest because I can hardly sit up longer, it is exhaustion. I say that I do not fear death; perhaps I am not truthful in that statement. I want to be truthful, if nothing else. In all of Christs teachings we are told that we should “fear God.” I cannot understand the necessity of such an admonition. Man is never close to God in life, and man never dies without some fear or doubt in his mind of what death holds. We cannot do other than face death bravely, but cannot be sure of what it holds. “Ilya toyed skuisya” 11:00 P.M.

Happy New Year

I haven’t forgotten my posts. Between moving (after 23 years of being in the same house and same town) and family Christmas vacations, my blogging and diary business was put on hold. BUT no longer thankfully and I have more time (because of my decision to move) to devote to my blog, my facebook page, my new instagram page and my business and I’m very excited to see what the future brings. So, I will continue on with these diary entries soon but until then I thought it only fitting to quote one of my favorite New Year entry from an 1873 diary in my collection……

“January 1st, 1873 Arthur gave me this diary. I now commence at the opening of this New Year with another diary. With the uncertainty of ever covering even one page after this one with my thoughts or deeds of mine, nevertheless I begin, “seeing not a step before me as I tread the days of the year. The past is still in Gods keeping, the future his mercy shall clear. What looks dark in the distance may brighten as I draw near.”

Near to my heart

Forgive the delay in my posts and I promise when I get settled I’ll be posting much more regularly. As many of you know I’m in the process of moving and many of my diaries have found their way into their temporary traveling homes all ready for a new adventure. I’m heading to Issaquah Washington where my son and his wife have moved. They have taken my life line; my grandbabies and I need to be near them. However I’m also up for a new adventure. The quote I’m posting here isn’t from our regular author but I did find a quote I want to share that seems to mirror my thoughts of late. It was written at the end of 1927 by a 15 year old girl about to see the New Year begin……

“To Me
1927 is nearly gone, gone! To think that this glorious year has nearly ended. What wondrous joys has it not brought? So few sorrows or ills. Have I done anything worth while? That is the important question….My trip was a glorious adventure. It was wonderful. I had often dreamed delightful dreams of travel, but those dreams were always of trips abroad to the mysterious and romantic lands of Europe and Africa and Asia. Often indeed have I dreamed of a visit to the Sahara, to the garden of Allah, there to meet with God, to walk and talk with Him, to ride the stately camels over those endless sand dunes, to venture through those queer desert towns, to hear the sound of wild, wild fierce music that reaches way down deep and makes one ache with feeling. Oh, that those dreams may come true. Often too have I dreamed of journeys to the palaces of India, to the temples of Greece and the castles of Europe. But a great surprise and quaint adventures was my journey this summer. Oh! The mountains of the Sierras, those magnificent stately peaks with pines and pines and pines……As it is, I think that this year I have begun to think more profoundly and have come to enjoy reading the more thoughtful and great books; tragedies seem more pleasing to me than happy books, they seem so much more real to me……Lately I have become very restless and have an uncontrollable desire to live, really live. I do not call this existence, this school, study, practice, sleep existence, real life! The longing comes over me most strongly at night when the mournful whistle of the train, I hear and when I look up at my star and ask him what my life shall be. Then I feel that I am of no use that I am not fulfilling my mission…..Here I sit this New Year’s Eve and ponder and wonder. Will I be able to stand despair, hunger, and poverty should that be my lot or if I should become rich would I forget that there are those who are hungry and alone?….Why write all this? God knows what is in my heart. He knows and understands. May I live as courageously and bravely. May I love as strongly. May I be brave and true and when I leave, my some dear person, weep ever so softly! May mine be a “beautiful gesture” in life! Only God and I know what is in my heart. Marthe Johnson. 12/31/27”

No Relief

“9:55 P.M. November 7th, 1927. I cannot write much tonight, my head feels too badly to take any line of thought and write it down with any sense of reasoning. There does not seem to be any relief to my mind in attempting to reason anything out. Perhaps I may find an answer that seems correct to me, but life does not prove it so and I am no better than the day before. My neck seems still tonight and the back of my head seems to be weighted down. Some days I seem to be very strong and tomorrow very weak. I am alone now and yet with her always. “Ilya toyed skuisya” 10:05 P.M.”

Agony in my soul…

“1:55 P.M. November 6th, Much cooler today, tho I did not get cold driving to Ft. Worth and to Greenwood. Pat and Ray brought her such a pretty bunch of chrysanthemums today. I met them at Greenwood and they drove over just ahead of me. They are always welcome visitors. I am rather tired tonight, tho not a great deal more than usual I guess. Did not sleep well last night. The little extra strain of following the golf match yesterday just threw me off my daily routine. I am growing old; not peacefully and graciously, as life should go, but only with the agony in my soul of life so completely exiled from the joy of living. I act like I am a martyr, I am only a fool. Perhaps I shall always be one. There is no answer. There seems to be no God. Man is only a pest. “Ilya toyed skuisya.” 10:15 P.M.”