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Archive for the ‘Trials and Tribulations’ Category

Janet

Forgive the delay in my posts. A very dear friend of mine passed away a week ago and I was asked to lead her funeral. Needless to say, I’m a bit exhaused both mentally and physically. But I miss posting my blog entries as they are food for my soul. So I’ll be posting very soon, hopefully in the next couple of days……And wouldn’t John understand this. My friend was only 42 years old and leaves a young widower to grieve.

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“10:10 P.M. September 8th,

Rather warm tonight. I’ve been reading nothing that seems very interesting but I read it all. Some line somewhere may give me a thought to keep in my mind and ponder over. So much of man of today I could criticize but for what? It would not make humanity any better. We have our good points and our bad and we follow only the dictates of our own desires; we are seldom truthful and fair. If we make friends we also make enemies. Man in his excuses for discrimination in much of his action seldom speaks the truth; he either disclaims the real motive or shifts his responsibility. He must always satisfy himself and preserve the saintly touch to his modern modes. We are all only cowards. We are all only very meager dots in the universe, yet some have become greatly inflated with their own egotism. I am tired. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:30 P.M.”

 “11:45 P.M. September 9th,

The big round moon again is with us so quiet and bright up in the heavens. Why cannot man know more of it I wonder? So much of life we know nothing of only we live by the opinion of the universe of some who have made it a deep study and have written their beliefs. If it were necessary to life that we know and understand the purpose of the moon, the stars and all the heavens, perhaps man thru his determination and unceasing efforts could find the correct solution of their being. Or perhaps they are only for us to see and ponder over their magnitude and worship whoever is responsible for such glorious creations. I am not tired tonight but very lonely. A drink of wine and I go to bed. The glory of living has ceased. Ilya toyed skuisya. 12:00 M.”

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“10:10 September 6th,

I must soon be in bed. I am tired and glad that I am; perhaps I can go to sleep soon. Have been working on the little Buick again, trying to make it more powerful and peppy. The work tires me so quickly. Just the ravages of time, and I’ll soon be an old man. I am only nervous and always trying to be busy. The last few days my eye has been twitching and I cannot prevent it. I rather glory in any failing I detect. No doubt man should not look upon life that way and I am sorry that I do but life without my little pal has no purpose; no goal to work for or fight for, only the final moments of life seem my longing. Then we are only hopeful, we can be sure of nothing. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:25 P.M.”

 “10:40 P.M. September 7th,

Again I am tired. Finished working on the Buick so tomorrow night I must find something else, or perhaps I shall need rest. I never know; I never plan a great deal but only follow the mood of the moment. I can only try to keep busy and why should I seek the fortunes men always want? All the money or power in the world would only make me so much the greater sinner, yet I am always busy. Why, and for what goal? I only want that which I have lost; I know not how to regain it; I believe that I may find her again some day among the stars, but I do not know. I only long for the opportunity to try. I have no place on earth, perhaps I belong nowhere. I cannot ever die. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:50 P.M.”

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“9:35 P.M. September 5th,

Another cool evening with showers after a hot day. I am getting older every day and hoping that I may find the end of the long long trail where all the joy of my life new rests. I can find no peace on earth; nothing to quiet my anxiety, my impatience, because there does not remain the urge of other things to conquer. I have come to the end of man’s earthly ambitions and now I want the great adventure, perhaps it is only everlasting quietude and perhaps it is not, man knows nothing of death, he only hopes. Little boys want to be young men, young men want to be greater, yet never reach the perfection of being or conditions desired. We are always on the way but never arrive. I am tired. Ilya toyed skuisya. 9:50 P.M.”

 (Sally here: I just can’t get over how wise this man is!!! His writing blows me away. Is it the grief that brings out his depth??? I wonder….)

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“8:25 P.M. September 2nd,

Cooler this evening and much more enjoyable weather. Rain last night and today for which I am thankful. Perhaps I shall go to sleep soon tonight and perhaps I shall rest well. I never know from the way I feel. Last night I was constipated, tired, hot and exhausted yet seemed more content than usual. I do not know why. To see the clouds come rolling in; the wind blowing and lightening flashing, seems to make me realize again how strange it is and wonder what cause it and why? I long for her little fears to comfort and her little trembles to hold close and quiet but I have nothing, only the longing for them all again and the thought I should be with them now. Man knows nothing of death, only his hope. Ilya toyed skuisya. 8:35 P.M.”

 “10:40 P.M. September 3rd,

Saturday night and I shall soon retire. Only anxious for sleep in the hope that again the dreamland will be as dear as the night before. So much more precious it is than any of the realities of life today. From whence do our dreams come? Only from the memory of man. They must always be linked with the past. We know nothing of the future, only as our imagination may picture. Tomorrow her little rose should be in bloom; I can do no more than water it and love its beauty. The stars are very pretty and peaceful tonight. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:50 P.M.”

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(Sally here: Again please forgive the long delay. I get so carried away reading and researching other diaries that I tend to put my blogging on the back burner. It seems ever day I’m living in a different year then 2014; oh how I love it. Time to get back to 1927…..)

 “12:20 P.M. Monday August 29th,

It is getting late. Have been at the office helping complete our estimate on the Telephone building. Bids go in tomorrow. May the low man win. I am neither tired nor sleepy but miss all that she can no longer give me now. Man becomes a very discordant note in the song of life without woman and his powers dwindle to their lowest ebb. With her much might be done, alone I only grope blindly in the mass of my own desires and find nothing that brings relief; there seems no solution so I want to go where she has gone. Death may hold much, or it may hold only the great silence of the ages; yet to me it seems very sweet and dear because she is a part of it, there I belong. I must try to sleep. Ilya toyed skuisya.12:35 P.M.”

 (Sally here; again, another one of his entries that stands on its own. Amazing)

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“10:30 P.M. August 26th,

I am getting sleepy and will soon retire. The days come and go and I try to keep busy but always at this hour I go back to the days gone by. They have been mine, tomorrow may never come. Could I but only have her little dream face with me always and live again the joys and sorrows we have shared. They only come in dreamland now; they are too dear to be forgotten soon. Perhaps I am very sinful in my seeming despondency or my lonely course I’ve chosen but I do not want to forget, and try to claim some joy remaining. I am content and can only satisfy myself now. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:45 P.M.”

 “10:50 P.M. August 27th,

Some things in life man never forgets; in each there must be a lesson learned. The tragedies of life we cannot forget so it will always be with me. This the 27th of the month and the first time since the glory of living for me ceased with her death that it has come on Saturday, the day of the week as it was then. Nine months have passed; they may as well not have been for me, my life closed with hers. There only remains my being which is seen by man, all else has gone with her. Watching the stars I love tonight, one of them shot downward displaying its comet like tail. I wanted to reach out and catch it and put it back again in the heavens; it only disappeared. Even the stars I love pass beyond my realm of love. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:05 P.M.”

 “10:45 P.M. Sunday August 28th,

Always I go to Greenwood. The grass and the roses need water. I give it to them. One of her little roses will be in bloom next Sunday, the bud was almost bursting today. Shall I be there to see it? That is my final resting place. If I cannot go its beauty will be none the less. Now it blooms for her. Some day it will bloom for us together. I’ve been out in the yard watching the stars, but was so nervous and restless I could not go to sleep. Always dreaming of her because I need her guidance and love; without her I am nothing. My desires are never fulfilled, for I want only her. Her wishes were my wishes, so now I can only want her back again. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:00 P.M.”

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