“11:15 P.M. April 14th,
To what strange things does the mind turn to seek relief from a constant strain which it cannot overcome. Perhaps it is only an indication of the mind becoming weaker and the soul becoming stronger. Tonight I have been drawing crazy little lines and circles and thinking of a perpetual motion device, how foolish I am. Many men have gone crazy in their efforts toward this and so perhaps I am crazy already. I am not superstitious nor do I believe in attaching any special significance to certain dates or acts, and yet I shall expect something to occur next Monday, the 18th; what it will be I do not know. A day I can never forget, not because of what it has brought to me, but rather because of what it has denied me. Dear little sweetheart, I cannot believe you are gone. Oh! How I would rather die! Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:35 P.M.”
“10:30 P.M. April 15th,
Life, the highest impulse of man is to fight for it and preserve it and in doing this we are only doing the good for if there is to be a continuity of life we must preserve that which we are given. But to me tonight, and for many nights gone by, that impulse does not exist within me and I want to die because death holds all that of life which is my part for I have lived and loved. Life is beautiful and all nature is a gift from Him to bring forth and preserve the good in man. To me in life, love has been served, no greater gift can man be given. To me now life, by natures will, holds only a fight against nature and so perhaps I shall lose, and yet may I not gain? He who rules the universe must answer that, I cannot fear His answer. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:00 P.M.”
Sally here. I want to reiterate that even though it might seem like a long time to us as readers, (as several days of ours, is to one or two of John’s days), his grief is still so new. His wife and baby have only been gone from him for less then 5 months as they died on November 27th, 1926; which brings me to my next comment. I’ve been studying a diary from 1898 written by a widow who is 81 years old. Her husband passed away 3 years since in 1895. I was shocked as I read this diary that on May 20th, she herself passes away. The very next entry in the diary, May 21st, is made by her daughter who takes her mother’s journal and finishes writing in it. It is such a heart wrenching journal especially to see how much this daughter loved her mother and also reading about the grief the daughter experiences. Nine days after her mother dies, the daughter writes the following…..
“May 29th, 1898
……It is lonesome coming home with no one sitting by the window watching for me and as the days go by I shall miss my mother more and more…..Lib came up and staid the evening but the nights are so lonesome. It seems as though I will never be reconciled to live without my mother. When I am called to go I hope and think I will be ready. I begin to realize how lonely my mother has been since father died.”
Grief does not stop; we just learn to live with it. But one day…..Revelations 21:4, “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death, or mourning, or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”
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