April 26th, 27th, & 28th, 1927

“10:05 P.M. April 26^th, 1927

Have been well enough today. Am glad that I feel well, of course, but each touch of pain creates a certain expectancy within me. Recovery brings only a continuation of the battle of life. I would like to know a great deal about my ancestors but never shall. Somehow it seems to me I must be connected remotely with Victor Hugo, Anatole France, or someone of the old France family. They wrote very strange and sometimes absurd things but contain a great deal that is true of life. My thoughts in roaming often are much as they have written, tho, I seldom am able to put any of mine in writing.France has had her day just as I have had mine and been found wanting. How I hope America may not suffer such a fate. Ilya toyed skuisya 10:30 P.M.”

http://www.nobelprize.org/nobel_prizes/literature/laureates/1921/france-bio.html

 “10:25 P.M. April 27^th,

I am sleepy and must soon be in bed. I am content. Five months ago today all that in life that meant the joy of living was taken from me. I am only a machine controlled by the motives of years gone by. I seek nothing further in life. I have only the ache in my heart which only death will heal; in death I shall find all I have lost. I act strange and cannot be as I would like to be, but I am powerless to be otherwise. Days come and go and I find each brings naught but desire for something else to conquer, or to do. Life in all its beauty is about me and I love it all for its beauty and examples to humanity but I interpret its meaning so different than the modern age. I am no part of it. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:45 P.M.”

 “11:00 P.M. April 28^th,

April winds whistling around the doorway; and from where do they come? I have not the power of knowing. Storms brewing on the Gulf perhaps and the ever restless atmosphere hastening northward. April will soon be gone, never to return as of 27’, it will come again someday but will be a different April. Life comes and goes but does not return. It is give the eternal rest. Today we are among the living and tomorrow we are unable to seek further. Today I have surpassed previous accomplishments of life and my thoughts turn to new fields to conquer. And what shall it be? Life has its limits but they are never reached. A task completed, another must be sought. How lonely I ham tonight. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:20 P.M.”

 (Sally here: On a side note I have begun to tell a story and quote some excerpts from a diary that I have which was written by a gangster’s girlfriend in 1934. I just started this on my sally’s diaries facebook page if you are interested.)

April 23rd, 24th & 25th, 1927

“11:15 P.M. April 23^rd,

Sat. night again. Sometimes they seem to come very fast and again they are far apart. Tomorrow I shall visit Greenwood again and care for my little flowers. They are growing now but when winter comes they will seem so bare. I like to think people are good and very true Christians but life does not prove it so. To be Christians we must have a very great faith in God and also believe in the change after death. If we are Christians we expect our reward in Heaven which we like to think of as being so much better than this turbulent world. Then if we believe all this we should have no fear of death, but rather glory in its coming. There should be no grief for the loved ones we have lost but I grieve and always shall, so I am not a Christian. I wonder just what I am? Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:35 P.M.”

 (Sally here: I need to stop on this passage of John’s for a moment and say that I still grieve (and intensely sometimes) and it’s been 3 ½ years. Sometimes it doesn’t seem like I’m any better but I know I am. I am so happy that my grief isn’t the defining fact to say whether I’m a Christian or not. For me only knowing Christ does that. Otherwise I’d be all messed up; much more than I am. I need something solid to cling to because this world is anything but solid. As the old hymn by Edward Mote says; “On Christ the solid Rock I stand; all other ground is sinking sand.”)

 “10:30 P.M. April 24^th,

I must be in bed very soon. I am so tired. Has been cold and rainy nearly all day long. Mr. and Mrs. Beamer were here for dinner today and I took them to Ft. Worth as I went over this afternoon. My little flowers seemed so full of life today and I am glad. I am getting to be an old man very fast I guess. Cannot account for being so tired tonight any other way. The drive was not any special strain as the road was dry most all the way. If I could only rest and not have to get up anymore as morning comes. However tired I am I am also very greatly content. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:45 P.M.”

 “9:50 P.M. April 25^th,

I’ll be in bed soon. It is not late but I am feeling rather weak. Came home at noon today as I was feeling so badly I could not work. Feel better since resting and sleeping. Religion is a very strange belief indeed. Each creed has its firm conviction of the principles of life, of sin and what brings favor in the eyes of God. Religion is constantly changing with the times. They still place their faith in the Bible and believe that it contains their only salvation and yet what half a century ago was considered the evils of man, much of life today is a necessity of life and tolerated as such. As the world grows older it seems to become more sinful but it is not in reality. The sin is on the part of religion in placing her stamp of approval on an evil that is necessary for the existence of the church. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:05 P.M.”

John’s Grief Diary of 1927

Sally here: I’ll be posting more of John’s Grief Diary tomorrow but I wanted to share with you an entry from an 1891 diary that I just read. It was written by a woman whose life started on January 1st with happiness and hopes for a good year. But only a month into the diary her preious child contracts Diphtheria and dies. It’s such a heart-wretching diary and in the beginning on the inside flap she has written these profound words….

“1891 One year! There are many changes since we welcomed the last New Year. In some houses are lonely firesides and hearts that are sad and drear, and the New Year all a mystery. The year is as pure as the snow that tonight is hiding from the eyes the blackness as it falls so pure and white. Mary”

April 20th, 21st, & 22nd, 1927

“10:15 P.M. April 20^th,

The stars are not shinning tonight, it is stormy and raining now yet I know they are still up there in the Heavens shinning as they always have. Man has named the stars but knows not what they are. I am tired and sleepy, not from work I do not think but because of the constant effort to keep busy. Only in sleep do I rest and so I am sleepy now. I do not think I shall live very long. Sometimes I seem very close to her and I am very greatly content. As mother Dale says, she was too good for this old world and I want to be like her. May her little arms still guide me on and soon I shall beside her sleep. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:30 P.M.”

 “10:45 P.M. April 21^st,

Cool days in April and storms and floods; much loss of life and property and a great deal of suffering. We read of Noah and the Ark and wonder should we not build an ark of today. The Bible seems so odd; it alone has stood the test of time so it must be a truly wonderful work. I often wonder is it a true history; so much of it is so easily understood and gives us the best of life but it is only work of man. Did man in those days possess the imagination of man today? I rather think he may have been much as we all are. God seems to have been very good to them by his many manifestations so plain to the unbeliever. Christ performed many miracles we are told, and man of today wonders a great deal about them. I, who seem to be so bitter toward God, believe that the seemingly impossible feats of Christ may be performed today. Surely it would be no more impossible than in the days of old and what a blessing to humanity it would be. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:10 P.M.”

 “10:40 P.M. April 22^nd,

The evening hours how strange they seem. I read awhile and grow restless then sit and turn a thousand different thoughts in my mind. Will I ever find that which it seeks? I rather think I shall some of these days, at least, I expect to. How different life might have been and how wonderful. As we had planned it to be she would be out at Baylor resting from the strain the little life had cause her and I’d have been with her holding her little hand and thankful to God for. Such a blessing to enjoy. And how we would have loved that little baby and for its life we’d give our very blood. Now I can only sit and long for my call to come. Just dry the tears from my eyes and go to bed, thankful only that I am a day older. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:55 P.M.”

April 18th & 19th, 1927

Sally here: Tuesday April 24th, 2012.

My journey from which I just returned (The Titanic 100 year Memorial Cruise) brought out so much emotion for me, and a great deal had to do with me being a widow. I will share more and more as these blogs go on but one of the most profound moments was while I was at the Halifax Nova Scotia cemetery. We had the chance to tour Halifaxas it is rich in Titanic history mainly because many of the bodies were taken there to be buried. As our guide was telling the stories of some of the victims, one in particular stood out. It was about a mother, Alma Paulson, of whom many of the surviving witnesses saw standing on the deck of the Titanic  just before it went down. She was heading to New York City to reunite with her husband but because of high transportation costs, she booked passage in 3^rd class. When the ship began to flounder, she made her way to the lifeboat deck the best she could but once there all of the lifeboats were gone. On deck with the ship about to sink and with four frightened children hanging to her skirt, she played the harmonica in an attempt to sooth them the best she could. All would drown in the frigid water of the North Atlantic and sadly the children’s bodies were never recovered.Alma’s body was recovered with the harmonica still in her pocket. As I heard that story I started  to cry thinking of my own 4 precious children and had to turn away. Then the guide ended it with saying that her husband, like many others, had rushed to the shipping office there in New York and upon hearing of the death of his wife and children he collapsed in grief sobbing on the floor. That sent me over the edge and was too much for me. The tears began to flow as I also recalled the moment I heard of my husband’s death while in the “waiting room” at the hospital. I too collapsed in a heap on the floor thinking I will never get up again….And now I am here returning from one of the most amazing experiences I have ever had, back to writing about John and his grief. Such a small world we live in and share….

 “10:00 P.M. April 18^th, 1927

Not late but I will be in bed soon; perhaps the showers will put me to sleep. Oh! God! Why can’t I sleep forever? This day might have meant so much in life and now it means so little, only tears and I cannot keep them back. And why should I cry? Is not their a great reward promised us in death? I like to dream of it and wait; that seems all I can do. My life must be as hers has been; through her must my reward be given. Of God I am much perplexed of my little sweetheart there could be nothing higher. If I am so great a sinner, I fear I shall always be the future is mine to control, the past is already recorded. Ilya toyed skuisya. 10:20 P.M.”

 “10:50 P.M. April 19^th,

Another day of life gone by and it has been different from the day before. The sun has been shinning nearly all day and has gladdened the hearts of many. All days seem very much alike to me in as far as life is concerned. I have only anticipation to live for, death holds the realization. Activity is necessary to maintain some sort of equilibrium by which man exists, he cannot be idle and be human; or posses all the physical and mental powers with which he has been endowed. I sit and look at the stars and try to penetrate the meaning of all that vast space in the Heavens, from whence did it all come? Man cannot answer here, but surely it will be shown to him some day. That is why I want to die and see it all, because death holds my little sweetheart. Ilya toyed skuisya. 11:20 P.M.”

I’m Home

I’ve been home from my Titanic trip for two days now and am having a difficult time adjusting. I want so badly to be back on the ship and wish I was blogging from my state room.  Of course I missed my precious children and grandbaby and it is so good to come back and see them but my love for the sea and the Titanic is overwhelming right now. Luckily I can take my antique diaries anywhere. I’ve also missed blogging about Edith (Vanderbilt) and John (our grief diary) and will be posting very soon. I’m still unpacking and getting my business put back together. I’m also thinking about starting a new diary blog and this one will consist of shipping diaries; go figure. I’m anxious to share inbetween blogs about how the trip affected me, including my life as a widow. So, I promise to be back “on board” with this in a few days. I’ve missed it……

Heading out to the Titanic Site

April 8th, 2012. Hi everyone, Sally here. I’m in New York right now for two days and on the 10th of April will be heading to Halifax Nova Scotia. After that our ship will be heading out to the middle of the North Atlantic where the Titanic sunk 100 years ago, April 15th, 1912. I won’t be able to blog until I return home on the 19th of April. Hope you are all well and Happy Easter to everyone.